


In Search of Impossible Light

by anarchycox



Series: Anarchycox's 2019 Personal Writing Challenge [5]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Long-Distance Relationship, Post-Kingsman: The Secret Service, Pre-Kingsman: The Golden Circle, eggsy unwin is hurting, those who love him make it better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 07:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17638190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Eggsy is in rough emotional shape after a mission but is unlikely to do anything about it. So Merlin will by sending him to Tilde in Sweden.





	In Search of Impossible Light

“Galahad, you did well,” Merlin’s voice was firm, sure. “Make it to the extraction point, there is nothing more to be accomplished.”

“There has to be something I can do,” Eggsy said. 

“Galahad you saved a dozen people,” Merlin replied.

“And another 2 dozen at least are still trapped in there,” Eggsy started to move back to the burning building. “I can -” the blast knocked him back, stole his breath, singed his suit. He stayed on the ground and watched the way the fire lit the night sky. “I failed Merlin.”

“No, Galahad, ye completed the mission successfully and saved some people who would have otherwise died. Ye did it.”

“Stop saying that to me,” Eggsy begged.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand Galahad.”

“You keep telling me I did it, but I didn’t do shit, I didn’t save everyone. Not V-day, not today. I’m not Harry, I’m not the others, I always fuck it up.” 

“Galahad, I need you to get up off the ground and make your way to the extraction point.” Eggsy just stared at the fire, at the screams he thought he could hear, even though the blast would have killed everyone left. “Galahad, that is an order.”

“What good am I, Merlin?” Eggsy waited but Merlin didn’t say anything else. He wouldn’t, now wasn’t introspection time, now was extraction point time. “Moving,” Eggsy said and hauled himself up and got to the plane. He collapsed in a chair and buckled in. “Fuck, Merlin. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I think you can,” Merlin said, “Your heart hurts right now, but it does you credit, lad.”

“I just...I wish Harry was here, I -” Eggsy cleared his throat, willed the tears away. “Merlin, is there always dark when missions happen?”

“I don’t understand, agent.”

“At night, in a hollowed out mountain. Any of this shit ever happen during the day, or am I just going to become a part of the dark too?” Eggsy laughed at the silence that met the words. “Fuck ignore that, just adrenaline crash.”

“We have wonderful counselors,” Merlin offered. “I can book you an appointment.”

“You’re falling apart at the seams too, you gone to see them?” Eggsy challenged, because no way did Merlin talk about his feelings with anyone.

“Yes, I have,” Merlin replied calmly.

“Liar,” Eggsy declared.

“I have a lot of unresolved issues that are being dealt with, and if you won’t go to counseling, go to a friend.”

“I can’t tell my mates about this shit. Hey remember the busted arm you got on V-day, sorry about that I was busy posturing with a chick with sword legs and a few thousand people got dead and more hurt.”

“There is also Roxy and myself.”

“I’ll be fine,” Eggsy said. “Right as rain.”

“Of course, agent. Get some rest. You have a long flight.”

“I’m fine,” Eggsy repeated, trying to convince himself of it.

“Agent, you will be,” Merlin promised and signed off. They took off and eventually Eggsy drifted off, and didn’t wake until they landed. “We home?” Eggsy’s voice was low, raspy, a barely awake tone that wanted to be asleep again.

“Sorry, sir, but we have run into a slight problem, and need to transfer you to a secondary plane.”

“Okay,” Eggsy agreed, trusting Merlin’s staff implicitly. He stood and stretched and fuck he should have showered, he felt so gross. “Do I have time to grab a quick shower?”

“I’m sorry sir, but we are on a tight schedule,” the pilot did sound apologetic.

“Course, need to file my report and all.” Eggsy followed him off the plane and almost stumbled back inside, “What the fuck happened to England?” It was freezing. Sure it was January, but England should not be this cold. “Are we in Canada or something?”

“No, sir, please come with me,” the pilot insisted and began to walk to a smaller plane.

Eggsy tapped the side of his glasses. “Merlin, your pilot’s gone rogue and I’ve been kidnapped,” he whispered.

“On my orders,” Merlin whispered back.

“I don’t understand.”

“You will not take care of yourself, so I will take care of you. I am a very good quartermaster. Follow him and rest your heart.” Merlin hung up.

Eggsy ran for the other plane, the dark and snow terrifying him a little. “Fuck this thing is tiny,” he said. It could hold maybe six people. “You sure I’m not kidnapped?”

The pilot laughed, “You are absolutely kidnapped, sir, but it is a good kidnapping. Buckle in. We have another hour to go.”

“Where are we?”

“It will ruin the surprise.”

Eggsy buckled in and looked out the window as the lights drifted away. It was a scary darkness out there, more black than he had ever seen before. But the night was clear and he supposed the stars were pretty. He had never seen this many before. “I suppose Merlin wants me to see the majesty of the world or some shit?” The pilot laughed but didn’t answer and it was just the hour he said and they were coming down. Where they landed there was barely an airport, it was a small strip with three other equally small planes by the tiny building. “What now?”

“Now you go into that building and out the other side and into the only car that will be waiting there sir. You have 36 hours and then I will see you back here.”

“Why do I need 36 hours in the middle of nowhere? Is this some sort of weird quest or like Leo Dicaprio Revenant shit?”

“Go sir,” was all the pilot said.

Eggsy went into the building where a man was mopping the floor and a woman typing behind a counter; they both ignored him. He went out the front doors and there was only one car waiting there. He really wished he had a winter coat, because this was a cold he had never felt before. The back door of the SUV swung open and he got inside.

“Hello, Eggsy,” her soft lilt always made him smile and then he processed who was sitting in the back.

“Tilde,” he said. She was under a blanket and held the corner up and he slid under and it was warm and soft. He didn’t touch her. “I’m a mess.”

“So your Merlin said.”

“I just meant I got dirt on me. Probably don’t want me touching you.” He stared at her cream wool coat. She looked so clean. He had blood under his nails still.

Tilde huffed a bit, “Because there is no such thing as dry cleaners?” she pulled him in close and hugged his arm. “We are ready,” she told the driver and they were off. “Your Merlin is gravely concerned about you.”

“I’m fine,” he promised.

“Of course,” she said. “I knew he was overreacting, silly old man.”

Eggsy laughed a little and kissed her head. “Really silly. Where are we off to?”

“A cabin my family has to get away.” She held his arm they were quiet the whole drive until they were dropped off in a place that felt more isolated than anything he had ever seen. The cabin was not a cabin but a huge two storey wood structure, the lights on inside easily seen through the vast windows. “A cozy place.”

“Sure,” Eggsy snorted. They went inside and it felt rich as fuck, but also cozy. “Um, I need a shower?”

Tilde smiled, “Over there,” she gestured. Her smile grew, “Do you also need company?”

Eggsy paused. He was pretty sure they were dating. Maybe. This was only their second time seeing each other since V-day. They talked and texted, and face timed whenever they could. And sure some of those had gotten pretty...interesting but there was a big difference from wanking over a camera to touching her again. “I’m good, I could use some food?”

“Of course,” she said and kissed his jaw. “Go, the water pressure is amazing.”

Eggsy went to the bathroom and tapped his glasses. “Why?” he asked when Merlin connected. He looked at himself in the mirror. He looked haggard, far older than his age. 

“Because, you needed a hug.”

“You are the guv, you know.”

“Shower, Eggsy, and remember why you walk this path.”

“Because Harry broke me out of lock up,” Eggsy looked at him, “Aren’t I a catch for a princess?”

“Eggsy the world has tried for a long time to diminish your heart and hasn’t managed. Do not do it to yourself. 36 hours Eggsy, enjoy them.”

Eggsy tapped the glasses off and turned the water on to heat up. It was a good shower and he scrubbed until he was pink, until he knew he was hiding in there, not just easing stiff muscles. He turned off the water and dried off. He opened the door and there were trackies and a robe on the ground. Even fuzzy slippers. The lights were low in the cabin and eventually he noticed that Tilde was on a couch that faced the large windows at the back of the cabin. He went over and there was some food on the table, nothing fancy, cheese and crackers and a few other things. He ate a few pieces as he sat next to her. “How can you just sit here and stare out into the dark? We could watch a movie?”

“I like the dark,” Tilde said. She took a sip of her wine. “It comforts me.”

All Eggsy could see was vastness, and black, and it hurt. “How?”

“Because dawn always comes,” she said. “There is a finite point of dark and then it has to move back towards the light.” She looked at her watch. “Three minutes.”

“Three minutes?” Eggsy was confused.

“Three minutes from now, the night is half over. And after that, it may take hours. Here many many hours, but each minute it cannot get darker. The worst is past.” Tilde linked her fingers to his. “Plus it is quiet.”

“I’m not used to quiet. Or the dark. My neck of the woods only got dark if the power went out and that was a few blocks, rest of London was lit up.” The little bit of food was sitting heavy in his stomach. “That why you like me, because I’m like out there? Dark, empty?”

“No,” she replied. She looked at her watch. “There, we’ve past the darkest.”

“Still pretty fucking dark out there.”

“You are looking at the ground, Eggsy, look up.” She leaned back on the couch and stared straight up. She turned off the few lights that were on. “Look up, dear one.”

Eggsy figured he’d be gazing at stars, woot, but the sky was shimmering greens. “What the fuck, is that an alien invasion?”

Tilde laughed and at first he tensed, being laughed at often lead to being swung at but she just tucked into him, hugged his arm. She liked doing that. He liked her doing that. “Northern lights, Eggsy. They dance and play in the sky for very scientific reasons that I’ve never cared about. I just like the way they move.”

Eggsy watched the sky in pure shock. “Thought they were a made up thing, hallucination because people get so sick of the dark.”

“Perhaps,” she agreed.

“Come on, Tilde,” Eggsy said. 

“People will themselves better, lift cars, why couldn’t we have all imagined colours dancing in the sky to ease the dark?” She brought his fingers to her lips and kissed them. “You failed your mission, yes?”

“Not according to Merlin,” Eggsy replied.

“But to you?”

Eggsy nodded. “I couldn’t save everyone. Harry would have.”

“You know this?”

“Course I do.”

“You have read every single mission report of his? That would have taken a while.”

“Read a few.”

“And he was perfect and majestic, eternally stylish for each one,” Tilde said.

“Well, stylish,” Eggsy said after a minute. “Couple cock ups in there.”

“Clearly then you can no longer respect him.”

“What the fuck, babe? He’s everything.” Eggsy stopped staring at the dancing in the sky to look at her. “Without him, I’m in fucking jail.”

“If he is allowed to be everything, with cock ups, why are you a failure?”

“Because I’m me,” Eggsy said like it was obvious.

“Eggsy,” Tilde cupped his face. “You ask yourself to live up to other standards, compare to him. You said that he told you only compare to your formal self, yes?”

“You remember that?” 

“Eggsy, I remember most everything you have said to me.”

“Why are you with me Tilde? Because if it is just survivor feelings or whatever, you should be over it by now. Onto a duke or something.”

Tilde kissed the tip of his nose. “Eggsy you are a fucking idiot.”

“Didn’t expect that,” Eggsy said after a moment.

“You can fuck with your own sense of self and heart as much as you want, but do not suppose to fuck with mine,” she said in a hard tone.

“Yes ma’am,” he agreed quickly. It was a tone you do not argue with. Generally she used that tone to order him naked on the phone.

“I carried feelings for you at first because you saved me, saved the world, yes. You were pretty and a decent fuck and you saved me. And I was going to go home and forget your name in a week. There was so much to be repaired. A month later your name was still in my mind. Because you didn’t ask for more than a kiss. Men have asked much of me my whole life, and you wanted a kiss. What if I had said no?”

“Woulda freed you, got you safe,” Eggsy said, it was obvious.

“And that is why you lingered in my mind. You are scared, the cost of your job.”

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“Good, stay scared. I want you to be terrified of who you may become.”

“Why? Why do you want me to hurt like that?”

“Because it means you’ll always search for the light, always come home.”

“I might not,” he said. He ached at the thought, but every mission it was a real possibility that he might not.

She shook her head. “Not your body, your heart. Be afraid of the dark, my love, so that your heart always finds its way home.”

“That makes not a lot of sense.”

“It would in Swedish.”

“Really?”

“No,” Tilde smiled. “Eggsy, Harry was not the superhero you want him to be. He was a man. Who tried to make the world better. Just like you. And some days we can’t make it better, but we make it better enough.”

“You are really fucking smart.” Eggsy pulled her in for a soft kiss. “What are you doing with me?”

“Whatever the fuck I want,” she replied.

“God it sounds so extra filthy when you curse, babe,” he said. He pulled her into his lap. “I…” he couldn’t say he loved her not yet, but she filled his heart in a way no one had before. “You swear the light is coming?”

She tilted his head up to show the green dancing along the sky. “It is already here.”

He watched for a moment and then let his gaze drift to her face again. She was so damn beautiful. “Light in your eyes is all I need.”

“That was so cheesy. Is a Barry White song going to break out now. Oh no, a power ballad. I have a deep affection for that cheesy American band, Bon Jovi. One of their love songs should play now yes?” She grinned at him. “Tell you what, you want to see the light? I’ll show you fucking heaven.” She slid her hands into his robe.

Eggsy kissed her. “You think you could visit England sometime?”

“I can,” she replied. “If you like.”

“I like,” Eggsy said looking at her. “I like very much. I love.”

Tilde’s gaze was soft  and she nuzzled against him. “I love England too.” They made love on the sofa, Eggsy splitting his gaze between Tilde and those lights and then fell asleep still on the sofa. He woke hours later when the sky was no longer black but a light grey.

“Morning came,” he whispered.

“Course it did, does every day, just like me on my vibrator,” Tilde said sleepy and burrowed into him a little more. 

“Well, now that is an interesting fact I just learned about you.”   


“It’s in my bag in the bedroom.”

Eggsy dumped her onto the floor. “I’ll be right back,” and hurried to find out what else she had packed. He was going to enjoy the next 24 hours he had off. He really needed to make sure to get Merlin a thank you gift. 

“You might just want to bring the pink bag out,” Tilde called to him.

Eggsy grabbed it and hurried back to her. A very good thank you gift. There was much to thank him for.


End file.
